Why Do Gurus Come From Mountains?

from the fireside whisky drinking thinker

posted 09/2019

Savouring a single malt beside the fireplace whilst swirling a question less foolish than imagined, begged analysis, and perhaps answering.


The fire emitted a warm glow and pipe smoke swirled. I pondered the next sip of single malt whilst peering at the cover of the celebrated publication by Ramesh Gurugot Yahmoni. These individuals who had become renowned for their wise teachings appeared to have a strong relationship with mountains or high places. They either came from high places, or they went up as more or less ordinary beings, returning somewhat transformed. Was there a relationship or connection? Perhaps it was something I imagined. Though there was consistency to the hypothesis; it could have equally been a logical fallacy. Nonetheless deeper excavation was warranted.  

Could I have been on the cusp of an undocumented fact not treated with gravity in circles of illustrious academia? I sipped more whisky at the prospect and was compelled to fill my glass a third time, so as to provide fuel for the out of box skewed reasoning method. Maybe a radical rationalisation would unlock the mystery.

It seemed relevant to speculate whether it occurred in certain mountainous locations. After brief research, that investigative avenue underlined that although some locations of the world were more prevalent; it could be any mountainous area. We were generally familiar with the Himalayas, Tibet and China to mention a few, but tribal and regional history speaks of wise folk in regions from the Americas both north and south, Africa, the Orient, Asia and so on around the whole world. Even scriptural evidence of illumination after climbing a mountain and seeing a burning bush was common knowledge in theological circles. Eureka! The common denominator appeared to be high places. My reasoning made sense. Damned be the logical fallacy, I thought aloud.


The next step was to ascertain whether a minimum altitude and or duration of time at altitude was required for, shall we say the Guru effect. In the writings or teachings of many wise people; there were often references made to journeys into a wilderness and spending time alone in a remote place. The quantifiable extrapolated data given the degree of validity of said writings revealed sufficiently. Being alone and at a height were oxygen decreases were primary over duration. ‘The Guru Effect,’ which I will coin, can occur over varying lengths of time. Lack of oxygen was shaping to be a key element. Effects of hunger and the elements were doubtless contributors.  
A conclusion was forming. The lesser heights of oxygenation restoration also became an integral element. There was another factor, and though unpalatable from an establishment academic perspective; the spiritual or deity element was not to be easily  ignored because of scientific materialism theory. The term enlightenment itself suggested some higher realm or state of being regardless of conventionally accepted theories.   


At that point it was necessary to avoid forays into the non-secular and lose grasp with the tangible. As some say, ‘to name that which cannot be named.’ The bipolar heated debate of a bearded old Santa Claus on a throne who hands out blessings or backhanders depending if you were naughty or nice, against everything is an accident and nothing means anything; would not lead to constructive conclusion, regardless of what is suggested by good folk of honest non establishment science.  Many may cower at wrapping minds around their concepts. Frankly, they might seem even more bizarre than either end of that bipolar discussion. The church of science theory has a more than equal amounts of zealots.


It was time for another slosh of whisky and toke on my pipe. Progress was being made to a revelation of sorts. The final question remained in the process by steps, and that was the return.


1. Desire for change.
2. Climb to solitude and weary heights. Hypoxia.
3. Duration and conditions under hypoxia.
4. Return. Oxygenation, and grounding. You certainly couldn’t be called an illuminated guru if no one knew of your teachings or exploits.


It was all clear as day; solitude, exhaustion, hunger effects, and the magic component, hypoxia. Euphoria and hallucination followed. The descending oxygenation and bringing feet to firm grounding consolidated that. Simply because they would not remain in any lucid state to be considered guru. This leads to the possibility that many people we consider cuckoo; might in fact be in a constant state of enlightenment. The exception to the rule were forest folk. Of course they went into the wilderness, heights were involved, but their process was accomplished with boat loads of trippy drugs. Which as a consequence of changing thought trains due to whisky; made me question why a set of equations where everything happens by accident for no reason, was the earth full of so many drugs? That is a question for another potential layman’s thesis.    


Finally I reached triumphantly for the whisky, but the bottle had been drained. A puff on my pipe revealed it had burnt out. Never mind, I thought. Eureka, there was the proposition in a nutshell. Effects of oxygen loss in those who flatline was documented and added further weight to my argument, Q.E.D most definitely. It was time to get serious, sit down and write a paper to send to some faculty in the hope of being taken seriously. It was only fair that this time I should be hailed and receive validation instead of being considered a laughable dolt. Then I thought, bollocks, I’m going to the pub for a pint. I could have spent the last few hours over a few pints and a football match instead.


satire... sort of



Now That's A Smart TV

from the fireside whisky drinking thinker

posted 10/2019

‘My TV is so smart, it has face and voice recognition, is programmable, has intelligent mood lighting and more. It knows what I like to watch and will make recordings or suggestions. The tech is so cool.’ Sounds a bit 1984, but it’s all ok, right?



‘Supersize my 9k screen, curve it, oh yeh! TITSS Theatre Immersion Surround Sound system Leica-B&O engineered, totally sexy right? Oh the lights, don’t forget the intelligent glowing mood lights. It’s not a TV mate, it’s more than smart, it’s the SuperMax Curve Digital Surround Sound Home Screen Entertainment Diamond XSS MkIII.’ … ‘Whatever! I’ve got the SameSong HAL9000 Tribute 12K CinePlex LUX II. In yo face man! So sharp and crips it burns your eyeballs out it you sit too close.’


I listened bemused by the rap-like exchange between the Hoodie and baseball cap gold chained characters. Accidentally, I had wondered into the audio visual section when looking for yet another non-standard standard cable inter-connector amongst the rows of ‘standard cables.’ As yet, not cured after years within IT of the plug and pray, I mean plug and play promise of a utopian single universal connector for all devices. No, but everything was going to become even easier with the ‘wireless’ connection. Yeh, right, let’s not go down that endless wagon of a  train of thought. Heavens forbid I should become a utopian or idealist, therein would arise the madness of incomprehension and my mental undoing.  


Darting eyes attempted to catch piercing resolution sharpness, richness of drifting images and colour. Ears pricked to the depth, direction and flow of rich accompanying sound. A promise that it was more real than real, more vivid than the life. It didn’t take long for before my eyes were forced such due to the stinging pain. It didn’t seem more real, it was fake, and the curved screen was beginning to cause nausea I had not experienced such a  thing upon or under the sea; regardless of the the beautiful undersea demo scene that payed.


‘Yeh man. I do like the same when listening to soma my fave vid tunes.’ I smiled and nodded.
The sleek chrome remote had more buttons than a mid-air hanging sci-fi hologram control panel. It looked sufficiently complex to operate a warp capable intergalactic shuttle. It looked totally cool. So sexy and ergonomic one wondered what other uses would cross the mind of some; other than operate the orgasmic entertainment system.


Then there were the added perks; coming with a whopping great month only free subscription to all those greatly advertised got to have channels entertaining distraction…


[Offer applies under terms and conditions. Extension notification not given. Cancellation must be processed two weeks prior to end of period offer, etc. Penalties apply, etc…] Legalese microscopic font size your affirmation is a legally binding contract.  


If only with all those great viewing features it had an auto mute, screen saver aquarium or nature vid mode for when commercials come on. Alright, I know what you’re thinking. If you’ve contracted all those packages; there ain’t no commercials. That’s not quite accurate. There is all that crud between programmes, that repeat and repeat ad-nausea causing brain dystrophy or the desire to bash one’s head against the wall in despair. You know the ones. Coming soon, coming soon, on next, on next, the new season, new season, sneak preview all new, new, and if you missed it, repeat, rewind and repeat. Repeating the in your face trailers, aching eyes and rising brain throb. I’ve laboured the point, and I’m almost in tears.


It was time to get out into the open air, away from the electro-magnetic static of utopian indoor entertainment. I had surround sound, images fuzzed and focused, colours didn’t crush my eyeballs and for the piercing sun that was at least warm; a set of shades.